Minutes to midnight (Column No.1467)

Minutes to midnight.

Right, now we’ve got Christmas done we can get back to more important stuff and begin the long, ugly process of fixing the world’s problems, which as everyone knows must be completed before bedtime New Year’s eve. Too easy.

Nature will solve the problem of anti-vaxxers, anti-maskers, anti-QRcoders, anti-lockdown, conspiracy theorists, all of whom will die or shoot one another or move to America and vote for Donald Trump who, weirdly, while championing these people, does exactly the opposite of his preachings, yet they still follow!

But that’s conspiracy theorists, not renowned for their logic, common sense, or appreciation of science.

So don’t worry about them. Phew!

It was becoming so tiresome explaining to them that unlike KFC, we do actually know what is in vaccines and how they work, and now that we’ve raised the issue, I should point out that no-one will ever solve why people like KFC so much that they will queue in their car for an hour for the privilege of stuffing piles of unknown transfats and questionable origin chicken smothered in 11 different ‘secret’ herbs and spices before tossing the remains out the car window approximately 11 kilometres down the road.  

Let’s leave that one alone.

No, we’ve got more important fish to fry, starting with the perennial question, why does white bread stick to the roof of your mouth?

They put men on the moon in 1969 (despite what those above say) with a Commodore 64, yet white bread still sticks awkwardly and annoyingly to the roof of our gobs.

Okay, you don’t have to buy white bread, but on rare occasions when you’re starving and your only choice is KFC or a $10 ham and cheese sandwich on white bread from a 24-Hour servo’, you naturally opt for the latter in the vain hope it embodies some nutrition, while completely ignoring any nutritional value in the dim-sim you also ordered because your brain was telling you to stop thinking about health and science and just get some fat and salt into ya…hey, hang on, that sounds very familiar and very conspiratorially anti-vax doesn’t it?

Okay, aha, that explains everything.

There, problem solved, and it’s barely 9pm on New Year’s eve.

Now, back to white bread…let’s see, what’s a wine that goes with that?

Surely on new year’s eve, bubbles would work?

Here’s a bunch of leftovers from 2021 :

Jansz Tasmania Single Vineyard Chardonnay 2016, $65. The party packaging and label don’t say this is sparkling, while the colour suggests almost pineapple juice, but with a cork and cage you'd have to be blind not to notice. Accompanied by the poshest box in Australia, this would be perfect. 9.5/10.

Pipers Brook Tasmania (Sparkling), NV, $30. Good solid stuff from the apple isle or should that be the apple aisle? I bet there is a row devoted to Tassie stuff in Tassie. Maybe bottle shops could introduce an anti-vax aisle? A conspiracy aisle? 9.2/10.

Arras Tasmania Methode Traditionelle Brut Elite, Cuvee No.1601, $64.99. People fuss and gush over Champagne, but unless you get squillion dollar vintage, they all taste similar and a bit bland. And if you have squillions, Arras have one of them too. Alas I don't have squillions, but I'm happy with this. 9.6/10.

Clover Hill Tasmania Cuvée Foudre Methode Traditionnelle, NV $50. Foudre translates as 'lightning' and you wonder why they named this thus until you try it. So bright, sharp, and lemony it hits you like the proverbial bolt yet is also rounded and suave. Enjoy it while lampooning Andrew Bolt. 9.5/10.

Taltarni (Victoria) Blanc de Blancs Methode Traditionnelle 2017, $26. The good thing about Taltarni bubbles is they’re all the same price so there’s no price influence in your purchase decision. Very sensible and suggests you get good bubbles no matter what, which is true. But I still prefer the rosé, haha. 9.2/10.

Howard Park WA Petit Jeté Methode Traditionnelle Brut NV Blanc de Blancs $32. A little jump to the left…this seems a bit brighter and lighter than last year's offering, which is the opposite of moi. There, is that enough French for one wine review? 9.4/10.

Max Crus is a Clarence Valley-based wine writer and Grape Expectations is now in its 26th year of publication. Find out more about Max or sign up for his weekly reviews and musings by visiting maxcrus.com.au

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