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Hey, you, get off of my phone (Column No.1462)

Hey, you, get off of my phone (Column No.1462)

Come on Aussie, get off your phone.

All this talk about Tim Paine not being able to keep his hand off it - his phone that is - is just, well, bollocks and we should all just stop boasting we have him by the short and curlies and show a little Christian compassion… Let he who has not sexted cast the first abusive post.

It’s just what blokes do. Okay, usually when they’re six, when parents really shouldn’t be giving them phones.

Yes, phones are like many things, or more correctly, one in particular, which boys just can’t leave alone, or get enough of, nor alas, control it either.

As evidenced by Tim, even grown men don’t realise when it’s going to go off, and once it does, they are equally inept at putting it back in their trousers…um…I mean pocket.

But the real problem is not that blokes can’t resist a selfie – who can? - or a bit of self-gratification. No, it’s the media who beat these things up and delight in rubbing hapless perpetrator’s faces in it.

Having a ball spraying their improprieties all over their fronts, er, front pages, or flashing it across their screens as if they’d never done anything wrong themselves and trying to take out someone’s middle stump merely because that someone thought others were as obsessed with his genitalia as the beholder, or the holder as it were.

The media reported Tim had fallen on his sword, exposing him to even further ridicule, the long and short of which means he’ll suffer for this the rest of summer, after which time everyone will forget.

Well, that ain’t gonna happen, media never forget. The best Tim can hope is that someone else will do something stupid to take the heat off. Shouldn’t be long.

Naturally Tim’s management have been deflecting blame onto the governing body, Cricketing Australia (AKA Stuffy Old Private School Entitled Ex-Cricketers Who Thought This Should Be Brushed Aside (in 2018)).

Predictably, what will happen next is someone from CA will fall on their own sword and be replaced by another old fella, sorry Old Boy, which will appease no-one, least of all the sponsors.

However in this instance, paradoxically, it’s a huge opportunity for sponsors.

Vodaphone can boast their wide, reliable MMS service. Bet 365 already have odds on all possible outcomes, KFC can use Tim himself, “Did someone say KFC?” and Dettol can, well, clean up the mess.

Come on Aussie come on indeed.

Disappointingly no wine/winery is recognised as a CA commercial partner. Well, now’s your chance. Here’s a few contenders :

Devil’s Corner Tasmania ‘Mt Amos’ Pinot Noir 2019, $65. As Tim knows, you can blow a lot of money on the Devil, however in this case, it’s well worth it, though Tim may not concur. Serious pinot, with more depth than the Aussie batting line up. 9.5/10.

Devil’s Corner Tasmania ‘Mt Dove’ Pinot Syrah 2020, $65. Cricketers talk about soft hands - stop sniggering Smithers – but this brings new dimension to softness in wine. As unusual a combination of grapes as Tim and the Aussie captaincy, this is also thoroughly delicious and smooth. 9.6/10.  

Clandestine Vineyards Geographe (WA) Tempranillo Rosé 2021, $25. Is it too late for Clandestine to sponsor cricket? Light of colour, like the CA board, savoury and dry…oh, well, one out three ain’t bad. Excellent choice for sunset on day one of a day/night test. 9.3/10.

Clandestine Vineyards Mt Barker (Single Vineyard) Cabernet Sauvignon 2020, $30. This has much going for it, however like many cricketers, is just a bit young and unruly, but should mature into a fine upstanding cabernet faster than the average cricketer will. 9.2/10.  

(Yabby Lake) Red Claw Heathcote Shiraz 2020, $28. The red claw matches the kookaburra ball nicely and wearing one red glove would be a good look too. Very smart shiraz from a very smart region, it probably doesn’t suit cricket much. 9.4/10.

(Yabby Lake) Red Claw Mornington Peninsula Sauvignon Blanc 2019, $28. A bit older and more mature for a sav blanc this is quite gentle and subdued, so more your test kind of wine than big bash. 9.1/10.